And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you
We (Hubby and I) applied for a condo in a prestigious part of town. HUGE square footage and really cheep rent. Apparently, we applied the same time as some old guy and he got the place. Okay, I am a tiny bit hurt that they did not accept us on the account of two young kids (illegal discrimination, but whatever!). However, I didn't appreciate the way their agent strung me along all week, making me think we had a chance. You know, she still hasn't called me back. UNprofessional!
Last night I realized my old habits were manifesting. I wanted to eat. Didn't matter if I was hungry, I tried to rationalize that I was eating healthy (but I wasn't) and that the surgery would prevent me from doing anything foolish. Another misconception. The only thing I didn't do is eat a pint of Haagen Dazs. That was usually my "make the bad feelings go away" medicine. But it didn't stop me from eating a fish taco. Or drink some milkshake. Or root beer. Or eat girl scout cookies. Damn those Girl Scouts. Last weekend I ate almost an entire box of various cookies. That is all I had to eat all day-- cookies and milk. But I digress.
Today, I am back on track. I am glad I was cognizant of my sabotage. I don't think I would have noticed the dangerous dependence on dessert prior to WLS and would have plowed my way thought the frozen dairy section of my local grocery store.
I tried on those size 18 jeans from WalMart again. They are still tight through the thighs, but I can wear them. I tried on a pair of JMS size 18 jeans and they fit fine! What the hell? Stupid WalMart. I guess the manufacturer is probably tailoring their product for those fatties that gain in the upper part and not the butt, gut and thighs. Those apple shaped people. I am a pear shape. A big ol' Bosch pear. BIG stomach, BIIIIG butt and big thighs. BIG BIG BIG. Notwithstanding, I still have my boobs this time. Granted, they are saggy, floppy empty wallets, but I can still fill a C-cup.
Anybody watch Big Medicine? I used to get a lot of insight on how to cope with a tiny tummy and bad eating habits and strategies. Now the stories bore me. I could really care less that they had a personal trauma/drama and now are HUGE. I got my own drama! They no longer talk about coping, it is about how they got there (Fatsville). Boo hoo. sob sob. whaa. Am I a heartless bitch or what? And the weight loss results are discouraging. One woman lost 90 pounds in 12 weeks. Another lost 100 in six weeks. Makes me wonder what I am doing wrong to lose 116 pounds in six months. But you know what? After losing 100 pounds, they still look FAT. I LOOK HOT! lol
I have people doing double takes and exclaiming how good I look. It boosts my morale and I get all fuzzy and warm and self conscience! All at the same time. And being the brutally honest person that I am, I blurt out that I had the surgery instead of saying I am eating right and exercising. I have not received any bad responses. At first it is met with shock and then they have a story of their own to tell. "I know someone and she blah blah blah......" But they are intrigued and find the whole dumping thing interesting.
P.S. I am off blood pressure meds. woo hoo!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Month seven - 232
I am approaching the start of my eight month out. I have lost 114 pounds so far. 
Mommy! Make the butt go away!
Yes, that is my ass. This lovely snapshot was stolen in October 2007. My sister-in-law kept it to be spiteful. (That is okay. She is pregnant with twins and her ass is just as big now! )That is her son looking very scared to be next to the ass.
I need to get a new "after" photo. I have not updated that one in awhile.
Mommy! Make the butt go away!
Yes, that is my ass. This lovely snapshot was stolen in October 2007. My sister-in-law kept it to be spiteful. (That is okay. She is pregnant with twins and her ass is just as big now! )That is her son looking very scared to be next to the ass.
I need to get a new "after" photo. I have not updated that one in awhile.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Month seven - Yes I stole this....
100 Reasons To Lose 100 Pounds
1. To feel good about ourselves.
2. To have GREAT sex! :)
3. So we won’t think people are laughing or talking about us.
4. To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly.
5. To have more energy!
6. To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails.
7. To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully.
8. To wear a bathing suit.
9. To cross your legs or sit Indian style.
10. To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see “that look” from the person who has to sit beside you.
11. So our ankles won’t swell.
12. To fit into a booth at any restaurant.
13. To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies.
14. To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident.
15. To not turn beet red after moderate exertion.
16. To be able to pick something up off the floor.
17. Panty Hose that fit!
18. To go to an amusement park and ride the rides.
19. To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage.
20. To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by.
21. To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping….
22. To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike.
23. To not worry about rashes and sweating.
24. To not have to listen to “caring” people ask why you don’t diet or worse still… "gee, you have such a pretty face."
25. To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating.
26. To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you.
27. To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver’s seat.
28. To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria’s Secret rather than at “Tubby the Underwear Guy.”
29. To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcycle, exercise equipment, etc.
30. To not get stuck in a turn style.
31. To not wake up feeling achy in the back..or to have ache free legs and feet.
32. So the bathroom scale won’t creak and groan when you step on it.
33. To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant instead of dragging it with you when you get up.
34. So you won’t look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras.
35. To never be embarrassed about your size.
36. To not count tying shoes as daily exercise.
37. To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available.
38. To not be more out of shape than seniors.
39. To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side.
40. To be able to put on wedding rings again.
41. To try to make a double chin and fail!
42. Buy clothing bargains to fit the next year … and they do!
43. Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open.
44. Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
45. To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
46. To look good in a tee shirt!
47. To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
48. To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
49. To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
50. To not worry if the hairdresser’s smock will fit!
51. To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
52. To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face.
53. To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart.
54. To not feel (and look) like a sausage in stirrup pants. (Editors note:Uh, stirrup pants? Is this list 20 years old?)
55. To have your friends NOT be embarrassed to be seen with you.
56. To get promotions/hired or close that sale.
57. Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
58. No more boobs! (this is for the guys!) (Obivously, because this is a downside for me. Looks like I will have to buy mine back)
59. Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others! (I still have this fear due to flapping like a bat or my thighs "clapping")
60. To not have the fear of being rejected.
61. To successfully flirt!
62. To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car! Or any car for that matter.
63. One size fits all and it fits you!
64. To have a lap and no FUPA.
65. To not have the car you are ride in slant in your direction. Or a boat on a water ride at an amusement park. I actually bottomed out a particular ride.
66. To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to “get the job done”.
67. To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven’t been caught on camera!
68. To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt.
69. No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs.
70. So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn’t wear away long before the rest of the slacks do! LMAO
71. To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself. (If you are into that kinda thing)
72. To not take fat references and fat jokes personally.
73. To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease.
74. To shop at the mall and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around! Or your heels hurting so bad the next morning.....
75. To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised.
76. To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
77. To have your feet get smaller.
78. Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach.
79. Blood pressure returns to normal.
80. To avoid other health complications from being overweight.
81. To be able to borrow a co-worker’s jacket for an important meeting.
82. To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don’t pop out of their head with amazement…because they never knew you’re fat!
83. To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
84. To wear a watch with a regular length watch band.
85. To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world.
86. To not mind getting your picture taken.
87. To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get “weighed” in.
88. To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go.
89. To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces.
90. To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit. LMAO I thought I was the only one....
91. To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well.
92. To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed!
93. To buy tie shoes instead of slip ons! Oh forget that! I still wear flip flops and slip ons. Screw tying any shoes!
94. To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on.
95. To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
96. To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
97. To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days!
98. To not feel lower than low when an innocent child remarks about your size!
99. To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from.
100. And the 100th reason to lose 100 pounds…..
I’M WORTH IT!
1. To feel good about ourselves.
2. To have GREAT sex! :)
3. So we won’t think people are laughing or talking about us.
4. To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly.
5. To have more energy!
6. To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails.
7. To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully.
8. To wear a bathing suit.
9. To cross your legs or sit Indian style.
10. To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see “that look” from the person who has to sit beside you.
11. So our ankles won’t swell.
12. To fit into a booth at any restaurant.
13. To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies.
14. To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident.
15. To not turn beet red after moderate exertion.
16. To be able to pick something up off the floor.
17. Panty Hose that fit!
18. To go to an amusement park and ride the rides.
19. To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage.
20. To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by.
21. To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping….
22. To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike.
23. To not worry about rashes and sweating.
24. To not have to listen to “caring” people ask why you don’t diet or worse still… "gee, you have such a pretty face."
25. To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating.
26. To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you.
27. To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver’s seat.
28. To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria’s Secret rather than at “Tubby the Underwear Guy.”
29. To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcycle, exercise equipment, etc.
30. To not get stuck in a turn style.
31. To not wake up feeling achy in the back..or to have ache free legs and feet.
32. So the bathroom scale won’t creak and groan when you step on it.
33. To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant instead of dragging it with you when you get up.
34. So you won’t look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras.
35. To never be embarrassed about your size.
36. To not count tying shoes as daily exercise.
37. To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available.
38. To not be more out of shape than seniors.
39. To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side.
40. To be able to put on wedding rings again.
41. To try to make a double chin and fail!
42. Buy clothing bargains to fit the next year … and they do!
43. Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open.
44. Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
45. To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
46. To look good in a tee shirt!
47. To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
48. To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
49. To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
50. To not worry if the hairdresser’s smock will fit!
51. To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
52. To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face.
53. To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart.
54. To not feel (and look) like a sausage in stirrup pants. (Editors note:Uh, stirrup pants? Is this list 20 years old?)
55. To have your friends NOT be embarrassed to be seen with you.
56. To get promotions/hired or close that sale.
57. Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
58. No more boobs! (this is for the guys!) (Obivously, because this is a downside for me. Looks like I will have to buy mine back)
59. Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others! (I still have this fear due to flapping like a bat or my thighs "clapping")
60. To not have the fear of being rejected.
61. To successfully flirt!
62. To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car! Or any car for that matter.
63. One size fits all and it fits you!
64. To have a lap and no FUPA.
65. To not have the car you are ride in slant in your direction. Or a boat on a water ride at an amusement park. I actually bottomed out a particular ride.
66. To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to “get the job done”.
67. To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven’t been caught on camera!
68. To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt.
69. No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs.
70. So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn’t wear away long before the rest of the slacks do! LMAO
71. To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself. (If you are into that kinda thing)
72. To not take fat references and fat jokes personally.
73. To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease.
74. To shop at the mall and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around! Or your heels hurting so bad the next morning.....
75. To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised.
76. To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
77. To have your feet get smaller.
78. Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach.
79. Blood pressure returns to normal.
80. To avoid other health complications from being overweight.
81. To be able to borrow a co-worker’s jacket for an important meeting.
82. To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don’t pop out of their head with amazement…because they never knew you’re fat!
83. To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
84. To wear a watch with a regular length watch band.
85. To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world.
86. To not mind getting your picture taken.
87. To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get “weighed” in.
88. To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go.
89. To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces.
90. To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit. LMAO I thought I was the only one....
91. To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well.
92. To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed!
93. To buy tie shoes instead of slip ons! Oh forget that! I still wear flip flops and slip ons. Screw tying any shoes!
94. To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on.
95. To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
96. To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
97. To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days!
98. To not feel lower than low when an innocent child remarks about your size!
99. To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from.
100. And the 100th reason to lose 100 pounds…..
I’M WORTH IT!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Month seven - 235 addenum
I caved and bought a pair of 18's. Mother told me to try them on. I told her I was scared. I put them on anyway. They are SNUG. I have to jump up and down to pull the waistband up to my waist, otherwise the crotch rides down and brings the waistband down. But I can zip them up without laying down.
Dammit. That is the defeat I was trying to avoid. But I did get a pair of INK BLACK jeans out of it. Mommy bought herself a pair and she didn't realize they are low riders. They are mine now. HA!
Dammit. That is the defeat I was trying to avoid. But I did get a pair of INK BLACK jeans out of it. Mommy bought herself a pair and she didn't realize they are low riders. They are mine now. HA!
Month seven - 235
111. One hundred eleven pounds. My sister-in-law made me do a booty dance in celebration.
My friend asked me last week how many more pounds I wanted to lose. I told her, "50," the usual number. That has been burned into my brain ever since Benjy came to town (when I lost 100 pounds). But my goal (for the moment) is to get below 199. I would be grateful to lose more than that, but I would be pleased to find 198 or lower. Technically, I only need to lose 36 pounds to reach my current goal. WOW. It is bizarre how far I have come. (lol, made me think of those old cigarette ads, "You've come a long way, Baby!" What cigarettes were being advertised?)
Things I have noticed:
I AM COLD! My insulation is gone. It can be 72 degrees in the house and I am FREEZING! I put on a sweater and cover myself with a blanket and I am still cold. This chick used to sweat just being in a 72 degree house, and now it is COLD.
I can pick up something from the floorboard of the car without locking the seatbelt. When I was huge, leaning down would cause the seatbelt to lock and I would have to unfasten it and re-secure it. Now, it isn't a problem. HA!
I can cross my legs at my knees. I used to have to rest my ankle on my knee--that was "crossing my legs." I can sit criss-cross applesauce (Indian-style to you non preschool knowing peoples). Last summer, I could NOT put my right knee down--it was sticking up. Now I sit "normal."
My heels don't hurt anymore from plantar fasciitis. I can't remember the last time my heels hurt!
Surgery has fixed my stomach, but not my brain. When we were in San Francisco last month, I wanted to keep eating my crab risotto, but I physically could not. It was impossible. But my brain was saying, "MANGIA!" I have noticed that feeling several times. The feeling or thought that I wanted more and CANNOT even swallow a morsel. I fear I will be one of those people who, "had the surgery and then gained all the weight back." UGH! I cannot live like that again.
I was watching "Big Medicine" and was hit with that reality. A woman had the surgery two years ago and is now gaining weight. Obviously she is not eating the right things. She had a barium X-ray to see if her pouch had stretched, thinking another operation. No, her pouch was fine. She just eats the wrong things. She told her therapist, "If I can stomach it, I will eat it." And that is pretty much how I have been. I will try anything and if it doesn't make me dump, I will continue eating it--healthy or not. That seems to be working for now, but I am positive it is going to bite me in the ass later. So, I have been trying to have a "Core" mindset. I did the Weight Watchers CORE plan in 2005. I lost 30 pounds, easily. And besides, bread is a waste of space. And how hard can it be? Lean meats, fruits and vegetables? DUH! lol
Seriously, if I want to be a success, I have to get my shit together and eat RIGHT.
I bought a pair of size 20 jeans at Wal-Mart last week. They are loose on me. I am afraid of trying on 18's just yet. I hate the feeling of defeat when trying to pull on a super tight size. I like the feeling of victory when something fits or is too big. OOH! I also found some 2X (18/20) shirts for $3 each at Wal-Mart. Cha-ching!
My arms are still big. That sucks. And I still have a gut. My thighs are starting to flap and slap. No shorts in public for this hottie. lol The thought of a swimsuit terrifies me. Not because I still have weight to lose, because I am flappy. If I were a super-villian, I would be Gelatin Girl.
My friend asked me last week how many more pounds I wanted to lose. I told her, "50," the usual number. That has been burned into my brain ever since Benjy came to town (when I lost 100 pounds). But my goal (for the moment) is to get below 199. I would be grateful to lose more than that, but I would be pleased to find 198 or lower. Technically, I only need to lose 36 pounds to reach my current goal. WOW. It is bizarre how far I have come. (lol, made me think of those old cigarette ads, "You've come a long way, Baby!" What cigarettes were being advertised?)
Things I have noticed:
I AM COLD! My insulation is gone. It can be 72 degrees in the house and I am FREEZING! I put on a sweater and cover myself with a blanket and I am still cold. This chick used to sweat just being in a 72 degree house, and now it is COLD.
I can pick up something from the floorboard of the car without locking the seatbelt. When I was huge, leaning down would cause the seatbelt to lock and I would have to unfasten it and re-secure it. Now, it isn't a problem. HA!
I can cross my legs at my knees. I used to have to rest my ankle on my knee--that was "crossing my legs." I can sit criss-cross applesauce (Indian-style to you non preschool knowing peoples). Last summer, I could NOT put my right knee down--it was sticking up. Now I sit "normal."
My heels don't hurt anymore from plantar fasciitis. I can't remember the last time my heels hurt!
Surgery has fixed my stomach, but not my brain. When we were in San Francisco last month, I wanted to keep eating my crab risotto, but I physically could not. It was impossible. But my brain was saying, "MANGIA!" I have noticed that feeling several times. The feeling or thought that I wanted more and CANNOT even swallow a morsel. I fear I will be one of those people who, "had the surgery and then gained all the weight back." UGH! I cannot live like that again.
I was watching "Big Medicine" and was hit with that reality. A woman had the surgery two years ago and is now gaining weight. Obviously she is not eating the right things. She had a barium X-ray to see if her pouch had stretched, thinking another operation. No, her pouch was fine. She just eats the wrong things. She told her therapist, "If I can stomach it, I will eat it." And that is pretty much how I have been. I will try anything and if it doesn't make me dump, I will continue eating it--healthy or not. That seems to be working for now, but I am positive it is going to bite me in the ass later. So, I have been trying to have a "Core" mindset. I did the Weight Watchers CORE plan in 2005. I lost 30 pounds, easily. And besides, bread is a waste of space. And how hard can it be? Lean meats, fruits and vegetables? DUH! lol
Seriously, if I want to be a success, I have to get my shit together and eat RIGHT.
I bought a pair of size 20 jeans at Wal-Mart last week. They are loose on me. I am afraid of trying on 18's just yet. I hate the feeling of defeat when trying to pull on a super tight size. I like the feeling of victory when something fits or is too big. OOH! I also found some 2X (18/20) shirts for $3 each at Wal-Mart. Cha-ching!
My arms are still big. That sucks. And I still have a gut. My thighs are starting to flap and slap. No shorts in public for this hottie. lol The thought of a swimsuit terrifies me. Not because I still have weight to lose, because I am flappy. If I were a super-villian, I would be Gelatin Girl.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
