I don't know if it is because I had to stop taking birth control pills or I am being super extra emotional.....
....I wanted to commit suicide on Saturday. After my husband and I had a major fight. By the end of it all, I wanted to end it all. I am not trying to be drama. I am not trying to call attention to myself. I am just relaying the facts.
I felt like a failure. I failed my children, I failed my husband, I failed myself. I wanted to get a gun and blow my brains out. I figured that would have been the quickest and easiest way to do it. No going back. Then I thought of my children. How could I do that to them??? They would be the ones to find me. Either a distorted, bloated face or my brains and blood oozing out of the back of my head. Just the thought made me feel worse!
Behind all of this, all of me....my weight, my depression, my lethargy, my apathy is a direct link to my feeling of failure. I lost my job. Twice. I can barely keep a grip on my marriage, I suck at housekeeping and all the while I think I am not the best mom to my kids. It all spells FAILURE!
I am hoping that with this surgery, I can finally accompish something, by doing something for ME. When I see and feel the success in that, I can work on the other areas I am failing.
1 comment:
Wow, I just read this.
First of all, please don't ever hesitate to call me if you want to talk, bitch, moan, gripe, cry, wallow in pity, gossip, cuss, drink margaritas, shop, loaf around, etc...you get the picture.
Second, yes...hormones do really, really crazy things to us. Not only that, but the good thing about "feeling" like you want to do something, doesn't mean you have to take action and do it. Sometimes you just work through the feelings. And you did. I presume.
For example, look at all the times I want to kill your brother, but I don't. I just fantasize about it for a while, live through the reality of it in my head, then I'm over it...(wink, wink)
Love you!!!
Post a Comment