I love my children

My boy was looking over my shoulder as I was tweaking my blog and he caught a glimpse of my picture.

"How mean!" he proclaims! "The computer said you are not pretty!" (commenting on my photo caption). I told him that I made the comment about myself. Sadly, he tells me, "I think you are pretty. And when you lose the weight you will be even more pretty." My daughter chimed in with her sentiments, saying I "will be very, very, very, pretty" when I lose weight.

How precious.

Step OW step OW step OW step Ow

Thinking I could get a headstart on my exersize regime, I would walk my daughter to school. It is only a mile from our house and I have certainly walked over a mile when I go to Disneyland.

So, we take off on foot. Me and my little girl. She is chattering the whole time....telling me which way to go and if cars are coming and anything she has observed gets verbal attention.

Meanwhile, I am huffing and puffing and dripping with sweat. I am waiting for her to complain about her feet hurting (as she sometimes does at Disneyland), but she is still chattering away.

I'm exhusted and my feet are getting tender. I am panting and wet with persperation. It is getting close to classtime and I put a litte umph in my step so my little girl won't be late. We get there in time for her to line up just outside her classroom door. Whew, that was close!

It took me 18 minutes and change to walk the mile. I call my girlfriend to pick me up after my shift as noon supervisor at the school. To hell with walking home! Especially after standing on my feet for two hours!

That was two days ago. My feet are still killing me as my plantar fasciitis is acting up. My left shin hurts because I have been trying to alleviate the pain in my left heel with exercises. Or it is because of the walking/standing for long periods (shin splints?!). Taking Aleve helps a little, but not much.

Just another reason I am impatient to get the WLS.

"I did it!"

I see these headlines on the glossy magazine covers at the checkstand...

..."I lost 354 pounds without surgery!"

...."Ricki Lake lost weight without surgery!"

....."weight loss without surgery!"

As if this is a good thing. Sadly, the public has this misconception that WLS is a BAD THING.

WLS is not a magic wand. It is not a miracle (well, fat people think so, but that is a different tangent). When I read about Star Jones losing all of that weight "under doctor's supervision," I was also on the WLS bandwagon. "Who is she kidding! She had the surgery!" But now I understand why she is relcutant to admit it. As if admitting to the surgery would mean she is a failure. That her money paid for her new svelte body.

It is not a quick fix. It is a tool. It is about mind control. Sure, you can cut the stomach to the size of an egg, but you still have to fix the switch in your brain to NOT eat the food.

My brother says the reason people are so fat is because "this hole (*points to mouth*) is bigger than this hole (*points to butt*). He has a point (no pun intended). PUT THE FORK DOWN!

I still pray I get the approval for the surgery. Meanwhile, I am going to find a therapist to help me deal with the loss of my best friend.....FOOD.

Do I dare?

Last week was my appointment with the surgeon. He said I could call "the girls" and check the status of my insurance. I know full well it is going to take three to four weeks to get approved, but I am anxious to know if the request for the surgery has even been submitted.

Shoot me!

I am such a hypocrite.

My closest friend said she has admired me because I don't let my weight get in the way. Because I will put on a swimsuit. I have been in her pool, hotel pools and the beach with my son's 2ND grade teacher. But I will not put on a nice dress and go to my stupid reunion.

In my messed up mind, I feel "safe" because I am doing it for my children. No disrespect to my mom, but she NEVER went swimming with me. My dad taught me how to swim. My dad took me to the river and taught me to water ski. My mom rarely went on those river trips and when she took me swimming, she sat fully clothed in the shade while I splashed in the nice cool water. So I will put on a swimsuit, cover myself with a skirt or cover up and go to the water. I will shed my "shield" and hurry to the water where I can hide in it's murky camouflage.

I have even dressed up for weddings and communions. But that is for family. And I am wearing a non revealing dress. I know I cannot hide my mammoth size, but I can soften the edges.

But I am terrified to go to the reunion. On one of the Reunion Website Discussion Boards, one of the classmates said, "Don't let your appearance prevent you from coming." HA!

I didn't have a lot of close friends in high school. I have many acquaintances, and superficial friends, but not close friends. Nobody. So there is no reason for me to be there. The few people I wanted to see again aren't going. I don't have to do it for my kids. I don't have to do it for family. I don't have to do it for friends. So why go and feel like the asshole I did 20 years ago?

Class of '87

My 20th high school reunion is coming up fast. It is planned for August 4 at the Pechanga.

When there were first talks about this reunion I was so very excited about attending. I was going to go no matter what! Now, as it draws nearer, I feel less and less confident about going.

I didn't feel like I belonged then and I still don't feel like I do. I was and still am very insecure about what people think of me; my personality, my appearance. And being morbidly obese doesn't help the appearance factor.

In January, I vowed to lose weight. In March, I tried doing CORE again, but my husband consistenly makes non-CORE meals. Since they are good, and what is the point of making my own special meal, I scarf down the food and then console myself with a pint of ice cream.

As much as I want this surgery, it is also a passive-aggressive tool to slap my DH upside the head and take notice that I am serious about losing weight. (Don't get me wrong! I am not having this surgery solely to get at my husband. I am not the stupid. I am getting this surgery so I can lose the weight I have been struggling with since childhood and force MYSELF to eat the right things (ie avoiding dumping and all the scary things that can happen if I don't do it right). ) And when I start losing, maybe he will get out of his comfort shell and lose weight himself.

And I don't want him to lose weight for appearance sake. I want him to lose weight so he will FEEL better. So he will be able to walk without his back seizing up. So he can drive the 100 mile round trip work commute without being in pain. So he can sleep better. So HE can feel better about himself.

I am praying my surgery will come soon. Not only to start my weight loss, but to use as an excuse as to why I am not going to my 20th.

FUPA

Google it....



.....then you wish you hadn't.


Oh, yeah. Go stare at my picture. Sorry if you lose your lunch.

One on One

Went to the WLS doctors' office for my "One-on-One" with a surgeon as per my medical insurance. Complete waste of my and his time. He asked if I had any questions and I just shugged my shoulders and made a weird face. "Sorry, I don't," was all I could muster.
He said that it was alright if I didn't.
I told him that everything has been so informative that I didn't have anything to ask or add. He advised me that my information will be submitted to the insurance company and to check "with the girls" (who ever that may be! Shoulda asked him that, huh?) in a week to see how my authorization is progressing. Then we exchanged pleasantries and I sat in traffic to go home.

My dad is worried about me. He has heard the horror stories about WLS (who hasn't? Nobody talks about the success, except to ACCUSE a celebrity for having it.). I shocked him with a little nugget....HAIR LOSS. He was stricken...his baby girl is going to lose her hair?! I told him not to worry, that it is a phase and it will grow back. (Besides, I have always wanted an excuse to shave my head!)

*sigh* now I have to wait about four weeks to hear if I am approved or not. Keep your fingers crossed!

Lose 100+ pounds without dieting!

uh, right.

Okay, a change in eating habits will help, but not "NOT DIETING."

The following exercise is called "Indoor Walking." I call it what it is: AEROBICS. This is the same shit I did 25 years ago when Jane Fonda's workout, headbands and leg warmers were cool. But someone came along and gave it a fancy name, and BAM! "An overnight sensation!" This "indoor walking" regime is the brain child of Leslie Sansone.

What I like about it, is being able to stay indoors and not frighten the neighbors (lest you do it with the lights on and windows open).

Here goes:

STEP 1: March in place (1 minute). Keep it relaxed at the beginning, aiming for a pace of roughly 120 steps per minute. (Continue at this pace for steps 2-4)
STEP 2: Side steps (1 minute). With your right foot, step to the right and bring your left foot over to meet your right foot. Then step to the left and bring your right foot over to meet your left foot. ".....stick your left foot in and shake it all about...."
STEP 3: Alternating kicks (1 minute) Keeping your back straight (HA!), kick your left leg straight out, raising it no higher than hip height. Alternate kicking your right and left leg repeatedly (think of the Rockettes!)
STEP 4: Knee lifts or "standing crunches"(1 minute) Lift your left knee to just above waist level pulling your navel in toward your spine (right hand on green, left elbow on red). Do the same with your right knee; repeat.
STEP 5: Fast march and press (90 seconds) Repeat step one, but increase your pace to 130 steps per minute and add this upper-body exercise: Raise and pump your arms above your head for 15 reps, then pump down the arms in a downward motion at your sides for 15 reps. ("here at the YMCA! "-- remember the arm movements for that Village People song?)
STEP 6: Speedy side steps (90 seconds) Repeat step 2 and add this: Raise your arms above your head when you step out and clap your hands together over your head when you step in. (I am guessing it is like one fluid motion. Flapping your arms above your head and making a clap when you step together. Like a back-asswards jumping jack)
STEP 7: Quick kick-and-reach (90 seconds) Repeat step 3, but when kicking your left leg, reach forward with your right arm and vise versa.
STEP 8: Twist lifts (90 seconds) Repeating step 4, touch your left knee with your right hand, and vise versa. When that gets too easy, touch your knees with alternating elbows while doing the navel into your spine thing.

I imagine if you have imagination you can combine these moves with resistance bands, weights or soup cans (careful not to drop it on your toe!).

Psycho Killers

Had a psych eval regarding the pending surgery. I fear she is not going to recommend me for the WLS. The lady shrink asked if my husband was going to support me during and after, I burst into tears. I shared with her what an asshole he is and I would be lucky if he would help. She advised that I should see a therapist to learn how to cope with the jerk. I am trying to find a suitable psychologist now, but HMO's suck. So hard to find someone decent.

I am afraid of the future. Honestly, I am too lazy to leave him. Hell, my previous boyfriend broke up with me, because I was either too lazy or too afraid to do it. I knew for about nine months that we were going nowhere, but I let him do the dirty work.

Now it comes to this. Granted, he is only an asshole 25% of the time. Doesn't sound all that bad, but when the other 75% is spent working, sleeping, etc., it means he is an asshole all the time! LMAO

I wish he would consider counseling.

Anyroad, the doc said this is not a fix-it miracle. It is only a tool to incorporate with careful eating habits and exercise. "Surgery is an unnecessary risk if your are not willing to commit." So, I am still nervous that she is going to shoot me down.

I have one more doctor's appointment and then the whole thing gets sent to the insurance company. I will hear in four to five weeks if I am approved then they will schedule me for the surgery.

Fat class

I went to the Doctor's Talk and Group Support Meeting.

The surgeon, Kelly Francis MD, went over everything that is going to happen in the surgery and answered any questions. Basically, everything we learned in the new patient class, but with more annoying participants. There was this guy there that was a know-it-all and wanted us to know he was. I wonder if they can do a vocal cord-endectomy while he is under. HA.

Then I went to the Support Meeting. VERY INTERESTING to get different perspectives and information. REAL stuff instead of the sanitized version you get from the program.
One of the classmates answered my nagging question, "I can fix my weight/appearance, but how do I fix ME?" It is easy to cut off my stomach and fat and all of the outside ugliness, but how do I fix the ugly inside? She shared how she "fixed" her brain and how she became more assertive in order to LIVE.

The general public thinks this surgery is the cheaters' way; an easy fix. But isn't a microwave? Try living without your microwave for a week!

However, this is NOT an easy fix. This is going to be a lifetime of improving me and my habits. As the facilitator said, "You are taking unnecessary risks if you are unwilling to commit."

Luckily, I am an OCD chick. I will scrounge the Internet and books and magazines for information.

Just Eat It!

I went to the Hotel Del Coronado with mi Madre, mi Hermana y Otra Madre (my mom, sister-in-law and her mom). We enjoyed the Sunday Brunch in the Crown Room in honor of Mother's Day. It was very nice to enjoy each other and yummy food without the distraction of MEN or CHILDREN. We let our hair down and our waist bands expand.

I find that I have "short timers" disease. I will eat above and beyond the call of duty knowing I will never get to eat this way again and taking advantage of the time I have before the surgery. It is kind of like maxing out my credit cards knowing I will be claiming bankruptcy. Wouldn't it suck if I got denied the surgery and then added EXTRA weight for being an idiot?

EEEK!

Went to the GP today to get my lab results. My blood pressure is back to normal with the extra medicine! yeah! BUT! I am diagnosed with Pre-Diabetes.

Another piece of evidence to my defense to get the surgery.