Took me 2 1/2 hours to eat 6 oz of yogurt.
Pain is bearable. Not fun, but bearable. Still worried if I will be in shape to attend the reunion.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Day 5
Must have more drugs. Darvon does not work. Next medicine to try is Codine.
Mother took me to the grocery store so I could have something to "eat" instead of just Isopure. I got some yogurt, instant mashed potatoes (to be eaten soupy) and Cran-Grape to dilute with water. I am looking forward to the Soft (pureed or baby) Food Stage. I want an egg! ha ha ha
Codine is not working, either. I call the doctor's office crying. I want Oxycontin, but the P.A. cannot prescribe it. She explains the pain I am feeling is normal and can only get better....Great. Deal with it, is what she is basically saying.
Mother took me to the grocery store so I could have something to "eat" instead of just Isopure. I got some yogurt, instant mashed potatoes (to be eaten soupy) and Cran-Grape to dilute with water. I am looking forward to the Soft (pureed or baby) Food Stage. I want an egg! ha ha ha
Codine is not working, either. I call the doctor's office crying. I want Oxycontin, but the P.A. cannot prescribe it. She explains the pain I am feeling is normal and can only get better....Great. Deal with it, is what she is basically saying.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Day 4
Had to spend the night in the recliner downstairs. Way too much pain to lie down. Mother came over in the A.M. to help me get the kids ready for school. Pain meds just are not working. I call the doctor's office to request something stronger. I get Darvon. It is Darvocet without the Tylenol. Okay. I will try it. I got my period today. I haven't had a menstrual cycle in, like, four years. For a reason! It sucks. Explains the bitchy,whiny, person I was last week. I pick up my new pain prescription and take one. It doesn't do anything. I take another one and some Vicodin. Still not working. I take another one and maybe another Vicodin. Still not working but I am all fucked up. I can feel my heart racing and my mind swimming. Great. I just OD'ed myself and I am still in pain. Why didn't anyone tell me it was going to be this painful? I watched shows like Big Medicine and all of the patients are cheerful and complementary and are not writhing in pain and crying. I feel like I have been lead a line of shit. I was told of aaaaaalllllllll the other complications, every single one of them, but nothing NOTHING prepared me for the pain I am feeling. Incredible.
Boo Boo pictures
Blood Draw bruise, left arm
Blood Draw bruise, left hand
Belly Belly. Puncture wounds from the surgery.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Day 3
DISCHARGE DAY
I woke up at 3 in the morning in incredible pain. I hurt and ached allllllll over. The nurse gave me some liquid Vicodin and a shot of something that wiped it out and I was good again.
I got settled down and could hear a man yelling down the hallway. "Shut up, Idiot!" I mutter. "Use the call button like I did."
I ask the morning nurse when I am going home, and she said today or tomorrow if needed. Oh. Okay.
The P.A. from Dr. Ali's office stopped in. Told me I was going home today. I asked when and she told me anytime after 10 A.M. I called Husband and mother to tell them I am coming home! Woo Hoo!
Some dummy comes in to bring me breakfast. Yeah, like I get to eat. Take it away, asshole.
Hubby shows up. Other than disconnecting my IV (but leaving the needle in my hand), there is no evidence that I am going home. Hubby helps me get dressed. Helps me get prepared to go. We are waiting and waiting and waiting.....uh, sound familiar?
I finally got a nurse to remove the IV needle and demanded more drugs so I could make the trip home. Then the wheelchair doesn't show up. Hubby goes to the nurses station and they ignore him. So, in his usual asshole way, he grabs a wheelchair and gets me into it. The CNA comes racing in....."We are leaving!" husband tells her. I get nervous when he gets like this.
We wheel out of there and get me into the car. I don't remember much of the trip home. Thank goodness for drugs.
Took a shower, tried to get into bed. The bed is too high. Hubby and mother take the mattress off the rails and put it on the floor. I still cannot lay in it for the pain in my abdomen. That is when I parked my butt in the recliner in front of the TV. The "throne" I like to call it.
Pain is unbearable. What they gave me at the hospital has worn off and the prescription I have is not strong enough.
I don't feel as though I am starving. I am barely even hungry. All I know is I just HURT!
I woke up at 3 in the morning in incredible pain. I hurt and ached allllllll over. The nurse gave me some liquid Vicodin and a shot of something that wiped it out and I was good again.
I got settled down and could hear a man yelling down the hallway. "Shut up, Idiot!" I mutter. "Use the call button like I did."
I ask the morning nurse when I am going home, and she said today or tomorrow if needed. Oh. Okay.
The P.A. from Dr. Ali's office stopped in. Told me I was going home today. I asked when and she told me anytime after 10 A.M. I called Husband and mother to tell them I am coming home! Woo Hoo!
Some dummy comes in to bring me breakfast. Yeah, like I get to eat. Take it away, asshole.
Hubby shows up. Other than disconnecting my IV (but leaving the needle in my hand), there is no evidence that I am going home. Hubby helps me get dressed. Helps me get prepared to go. We are waiting and waiting and waiting.....uh, sound familiar?
I finally got a nurse to remove the IV needle and demanded more drugs so I could make the trip home. Then the wheelchair doesn't show up. Hubby goes to the nurses station and they ignore him. So, in his usual asshole way, he grabs a wheelchair and gets me into it. The CNA comes racing in....."We are leaving!" husband tells her. I get nervous when he gets like this.
We wheel out of there and get me into the car. I don't remember much of the trip home. Thank goodness for drugs.
Took a shower, tried to get into bed. The bed is too high. Hubby and mother take the mattress off the rails and put it on the floor. I still cannot lay in it for the pain in my abdomen. That is when I parked my butt in the recliner in front of the TV. The "throne" I like to call it.
Pain is unbearable. What they gave me at the hospital has worn off and the prescription I have is not strong enough.
I don't feel as though I am starving. I am barely even hungry. All I know is I just HURT!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Day 2
ugh
Not as easy as I thought. This is as bad as breaking my femur almost 20 years ago. Probably worse. And self-inflicted.
The night nurse was awesome. She took real good care of me and was empathetic. And no nonsense. I needed that.
This morning, I was moved to the Post Surgery Floor. The ICU day nurse was stupid and I was glad to be going. Get the hell away from her. My new nurse was sweet and silly. I needed that, too. Laughter (not too much with an opened belly) IS the best medicine.
I don't remember much. I mostly slept. Nothing to eat. Pouring and drinking were difficult, with my angle and my hands shaking so bad.
And the PAIN! I had no idea how PAINFUL this was going to be. I KNOW surgery is painful, but I had no clue it was this BAD.
I got a couple of phone calls and tried to remember to text those who needed updates.
But I mostly slept.
Hubby came by after work to visit. That was sweet. He was wondering when I was coming home and I hadn't a clue. Nobody has mentioned my departure.
Not as easy as I thought. This is as bad as breaking my femur almost 20 years ago. Probably worse. And self-inflicted.
The night nurse was awesome. She took real good care of me and was empathetic. And no nonsense. I needed that.
This morning, I was moved to the Post Surgery Floor. The ICU day nurse was stupid and I was glad to be going. Get the hell away from her. My new nurse was sweet and silly. I needed that, too. Laughter (not too much with an opened belly) IS the best medicine.
I don't remember much. I mostly slept. Nothing to eat. Pouring and drinking were difficult, with my angle and my hands shaking so bad.
And the PAIN! I had no idea how PAINFUL this was going to be. I KNOW surgery is painful, but I had no clue it was this BAD.
I got a couple of phone calls and tried to remember to text those who needed updates.
But I mostly slept.
Hubby came by after work to visit. That was sweet. He was wondering when I was coming home and I hadn't a clue. Nobody has mentioned my departure.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Today's the day!
Here it is ... it finally came... my surgery date. My new birthday.... I'm a wee bit nervous, but a lot more excited. This is going to be great....
My husband drives me to the hospital. We get there at 5:30 A.M. I get checked in and we wait for someone to call me......
....and wait.....
....and wait.....
It is now 7:30 A.M. and I haven't been called to surgery prep. Every time the door opens, my head pops up in anticipation. Frustrated, Husband starts asking questions. "Why hasn't she been called back there?! We have been here two hours and nothing!"
The female person with the Sharpie eyebrows who checked me in, calls the bariatric nurse. Then hands the phone to me.
I am told that I have to register and wait until my surgery. Regardless that my surgery is at 11:30, I am to be there in case they can take me early. How muffed up is that?! Somebody will come get me two hours before cutting to prep me.
Hubby and I go back to the wait room. Well, at least I can just relax until 9:30. I dozed. I texted. I dozed. 9:30 comes and goes.....10 o'clock.....10:30....
Hubby's skin is turning green and his pants are stretching, bursting at the seams, he is growing larger in size...oh, wait, that is the Hulk...Hubby flings open the door to pre op and barks at the desk nurse......
Apparently, they don't have a bed for me. They are waiting on a bed. WE have been sitting in this stupid hospital for FIVE hours now.
Finally, someone calls out my name. Just in the nick of time, too, because some old guy decides to tell my husband about his wife's procedure and the big family from Utah and blah blah blah blah...Poor husband.
Anyhoo, I strip down and put on the hospital gown. At least they have gowns large enough for bariatric patients!! I think it is a 10X or something.
I have to wipe myself with antimicrobial wipes. Then a barrage a questions whilst another nurse tries to start an IV in my arm. Kinda hard to find a vein when I haven't had anything to eat since Saturday or anything to drink since the night before. A third nurse comes in and finds a vein in my hand. OUCH.
I got my hat on, my gown and my booties. Just kicking it. Hubby is allowed to come back and see me "one last time." It is now 12:30 P.M. Yeah, an hour after my surgery start time. I am glad I didn't have any plans for that evening.
Hubby is starving. He had a breakfast sandwich at 5 A.M. My dad calls and says he is in the parking lot. I told Eddie to go and not worry about me.....GO! Make a break for it while you can!
A short time later, the surgeon comes in and makes an obligatory appearance. Tells me the anesthesiologist and the nurse will be in to talk to me also. The anesthesiologist come in and gives me something cool in my IV.
Later, I am being wheeled into the operating room. I am in and out of slumber from the IV. The nurse tells me I am to transfer myself onto the operating table. I shift my mass over and lay down. They put my arms on their own little tables and yank off my gown. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I think someone is strapping down my legs.......
......"There she is!" a female voice says in the blurriness.
I hear voices. Kathi? Eddie?
I am in a bed. Groggy. Eyeballs whirling around in my head. I can't keep my lids open. I try to use my eyes to lift them.
Scott is here, too?! How cool is that?!?
So is Max, but the "one-raised-by wolves" is not allowed in the ICU.
Figuring out that I was pretty useless to visit, the folks left. I hope they know how much I appreciate their coming to visit. Such a long way, only to see me coherent for about two seconds. My family is precious!!
My husband drives me to the hospital. We get there at 5:30 A.M. I get checked in and we wait for someone to call me......
....and wait.....
....and wait.....
It is now 7:30 A.M. and I haven't been called to surgery prep. Every time the door opens, my head pops up in anticipation. Frustrated, Husband starts asking questions. "Why hasn't she been called back there?! We have been here two hours and nothing!"
The female person with the Sharpie eyebrows who checked me in, calls the bariatric nurse. Then hands the phone to me.
I am told that I have to register and wait until my surgery. Regardless that my surgery is at 11:30, I am to be there in case they can take me early. How muffed up is that?! Somebody will come get me two hours before cutting to prep me.
Hubby and I go back to the wait room. Well, at least I can just relax until 9:30. I dozed. I texted. I dozed. 9:30 comes and goes.....10 o'clock.....10:30....
Hubby's skin is turning green and his pants are stretching, bursting at the seams, he is growing larger in size...oh, wait, that is the Hulk...Hubby flings open the door to pre op and barks at the desk nurse......
Apparently, they don't have a bed for me. They are waiting on a bed. WE have been sitting in this stupid hospital for FIVE hours now.
Finally, someone calls out my name. Just in the nick of time, too, because some old guy decides to tell my husband about his wife's procedure and the big family from Utah and blah blah blah blah...Poor husband.
Anyhoo, I strip down and put on the hospital gown. At least they have gowns large enough for bariatric patients!! I think it is a 10X or something.
I have to wipe myself with antimicrobial wipes. Then a barrage a questions whilst another nurse tries to start an IV in my arm. Kinda hard to find a vein when I haven't had anything to eat since Saturday or anything to drink since the night before. A third nurse comes in and finds a vein in my hand. OUCH.
I got my hat on, my gown and my booties. Just kicking it. Hubby is allowed to come back and see me "one last time." It is now 12:30 P.M. Yeah, an hour after my surgery start time. I am glad I didn't have any plans for that evening.
Hubby is starving. He had a breakfast sandwich at 5 A.M. My dad calls and says he is in the parking lot. I told Eddie to go and not worry about me.....GO! Make a break for it while you can!
A short time later, the surgeon comes in and makes an obligatory appearance. Tells me the anesthesiologist and the nurse will be in to talk to me also. The anesthesiologist come in and gives me something cool in my IV.
Later, I am being wheeled into the operating room. I am in and out of slumber from the IV. The nurse tells me I am to transfer myself onto the operating table. I shift my mass over and lay down. They put my arms on their own little tables and yank off my gown. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I think someone is strapping down my legs.......
......"There she is!" a female voice says in the blurriness.
I hear voices. Kathi? Eddie?
I am in a bed. Groggy. Eyeballs whirling around in my head. I can't keep my lids open. I try to use my eyes to lift them.
Scott is here, too?! How cool is that?!?
So is Max, but the "one-raised-by wolves" is not allowed in the ICU.
Figuring out that I was pretty useless to visit, the folks left. I hope they know how much I appreciate their coming to visit. Such a long way, only to see me coherent for about two seconds. My family is precious!!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
The Last Supper
My husband asked what I wanted to have for my last supper....
My mother has graciously taken me out to lunch just about everyday this week. We went to Spunky Steer, Applebee's, Outlaw Larry's and Macaroni Grill. It has been a gastronomical celebration!
Then, I had to decide what my last meal is going to be....
SUSHI!!!!
OMG, we ate a ton of sushi. We had four different types of "rolls," sushi (raw fish on rice) and Asahi to wash it all down.
There was yellowtail, halibut, white tuna (MY FAVORITE!!), fresh water eel, shrimp, crab, mackerel (hubby ate that one), sea bass, salmon, uni (sea urchin, again, hubby *shudder*), scallop, and many more I can't remember!
$24 per person for dinner....not bad considering the rolls were $8-$9 a pop. We had 911 roll, hot nights, love, and tempura crunch. All were spicy, 'cept the crunch roll....a little sweet.
My poor tummy was soooooooooo full.....
Then we covered it all with Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. I think I went out with a bang.
Tomorrow is chicken broth and jello in preperation for my surgery. On. Monday!
In 48 hours, I am going to have a new stomach and a new life.....WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
My mother has graciously taken me out to lunch just about everyday this week. We went to Spunky Steer, Applebee's, Outlaw Larry's and Macaroni Grill. It has been a gastronomical celebration!
Then, I had to decide what my last meal is going to be....
SUSHI!!!!
OMG, we ate a ton of sushi. We had four different types of "rolls," sushi (raw fish on rice) and Asahi to wash it all down.
There was yellowtail, halibut, white tuna (MY FAVORITE!!), fresh water eel, shrimp, crab, mackerel (hubby ate that one), sea bass, salmon, uni (sea urchin, again, hubby *shudder*), scallop, and many more I can't remember!
$24 per person for dinner....not bad considering the rolls were $8-$9 a pop. We had 911 roll, hot nights, love, and tempura crunch. All were spicy, 'cept the crunch roll....a little sweet.
My poor tummy was soooooooooo full.....
Then we covered it all with Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. I think I went out with a bang.
Tomorrow is chicken broth and jello in preperation for my surgery. On. Monday!
In 48 hours, I am going to have a new stomach and a new life.....WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Alan Parsons Project
My beautiful, talented, FABULOUS sister said I was projecting....
This is regarding my pity party last week. I got very VERY emotional and had a hissy fit of all fits....Felt like an idiot the next day.
Anyway, she commented on how well I have been anticipating my surgery, with no reservations or qualms....I suggested maybe my spaz attack last week was a release for whatever problems I may be dealing with sub-consciencely.
I had done that several years ago.....took out my frustration of my husband's job issue (there was NO job!) on my job. I was not performing to the best of my abilities and I. got. spanked. HARD.
Now, I am being overly emotional (well, that one day I was) and perhaps that is my way of acting out.....
.....Or I am bi-polar or manic depressive!!
This is regarding my pity party last week. I got very VERY emotional and had a hissy fit of all fits....Felt like an idiot the next day.
Anyway, she commented on how well I have been anticipating my surgery, with no reservations or qualms....I suggested maybe my spaz attack last week was a release for whatever problems I may be dealing with sub-consciencely.
I had done that several years ago.....took out my frustration of my husband's job issue (there was NO job!) on my job. I was not performing to the best of my abilities and I. got. spanked. HARD.
Now, I am being overly emotional (well, that one day I was) and perhaps that is my way of acting out.....
.....Or I am bi-polar or manic depressive!!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
BEFORE
Lisa (my WLS mentor) suggested I photograph my journey.
I am almost ashamed to do this, but journal = honesty...
I will be taking weekly pictures, so my next batch will be four days out from surgery. Probably will not show much difference, but what the hell. We can see my groovy holes from the laparoscopy.
I am almost ashamed to do this, but journal = honesty...
I will be taking weekly pictures, so my next batch will be four days out from surgery. Probably will not show much difference, but what the hell. We can see my groovy holes from the laparoscopy.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Child Obesity
Went to a swim party today....
Believe it or not, the kid in the orange/brown trunks....yeah, the skinny one? Yeah, that's my boy....
The only reason he is not obese like the rest of the boys...He is on Adderall. It curbs his appetite. When he misses his daily dose, he is extra hungry.
Pretty sad.....
Believe it or not, the kid in the orange/brown trunks....yeah, the skinny one? Yeah, that's my boy....
The only reason he is not obese like the rest of the boys...He is on Adderall. It curbs his appetite. When he misses his daily dose, he is extra hungry.
Pretty sad.....
Now, my baby girl...(the one in blue)...
she just doesn't eat...she has ALWAYS been that way....even on the breast. I would love to go to a plastic surgeon, point to her and say, "Make me look like that.....but with BOOBS!"
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Chop suey
I chopped off my hair today.
I took the kids to get them cleaned up and started looking in a book with different hairstyles in it. I found two REALLY cute haircuts. I have been kicking around the idea of cutting my hair short for a long time, but usually chicken out or my hairdresser talks me out of it.
I took the kids to get them cleaned up and started looking in a book with different hairstyles in it. I found two REALLY cute haircuts. I have been kicking around the idea of cutting my hair short for a long time, but usually chicken out or my hairdresser talks me out of it.
NOT THIS TIME! ha.
After he got done with the kids (and they look VERY cute, BTW), I told him I wanted to lop mine off and showed him the picture.
It didn't come out the way I wanted. He layered it (as usual). So it doesn't have the curl I wanted. Oh well. It will grow back. And I am having the surgery in a week anyway. One less thing for me to worry about. Get in the shower, get clean, get out......no fussing with getting tangles out and such.
But I miss my long hair :-(
After he got done with the kids (and they look VERY cute, BTW), I told him I wanted to lop mine off and showed him the picture.
It didn't come out the way I wanted. He layered it (as usual). So it doesn't have the curl I wanted. Oh well. It will grow back. And I am having the surgery in a week anyway. One less thing for me to worry about. Get in the shower, get clean, get out......no fussing with getting tangles out and such.
But I miss my long hair :-(
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Pre-Op
My appointment is at 8 a.m. in Orange County. I figure it is going to take me two hours to get there, in traffic. Especially the freeways I have to drive. NOPE! I left at 5:50 a.m. and got there around 6:30. Better to be early than 10 minutes late (as usual).
So, I sit in my bubble and chat and talk to friends on my cell. Oddly, there are people awake at that hour. Well, one of them I accidentally woke up. Sorry, "D!"
Finally, I go in and get it over with. The registrar got me into the system and sent me on my merry way. After an elevator ride, I had to go pee in a cup. While the urine was tested for pregnancy (which I am NOT! "A" said I would be texting suicide notes instead of victories!) I went back downstairs for the .....DA DA DUM..... Upper GI. The folks X-rayed my chest. Then they did bad things to me. They made me....uh, they made....um, *sniff*..... sorry....They made me drink BARIUM. It was a milk-like chalky, hint of citrus, coating liquid. Made my gag reflex work overtime. I asked the radiologist if anyone has puked it up. She averted her eyes and replied, "yes." I told her not to worry, I don't like it anymore than she does. Then I asked if it could be Chocolate flavored! She remarked the lady that was just there before me asked the same thing.
Okay, after the fluoroscopic imaging and x-rays, I go back to the pee pee room and have my blood drawn. Seven vials of blood. Typing, HIV, clotting, etc is allllll being tested. Feeling dizzy (just kidding!), I head over to the Obesity Center and make the final surgery arraignments.
I then go to lunch con mi madre and then get my last test done....the EKG. The doctor was concerned about the reading, but not in a cardio or heart sense. She said I was either calcium or electrolyte deficient and those could be remedied with supplements. Other than that, I have the clearance to get my surgery as scheduled.
Everybody, mark your calendars for my new birthday.....July 23, 2007 at 11 a.m.
Again, thanks to Lisa for all of her help and support. It is great to have a surgery survivor to hold my hand along the way.
________________________________________________
Editor's note: I just wanted to let people know, for the record, that I do not plan on ending my life, purposely, any time soon. I was having a real low moment. I do not know if it was atributed to being off The Pill, but I do NOT regularly think about suicide. The last "real" suicidal thought I had was back in 1992, when I was fired (the first time, haha) from the sheriff's department. I pulled myself back from the brink then, and now.
What is the point of journaling or blogging if I am not going to be totally honest?
Thank you all for your support and prayers in this difficult time.... I LOVE YOU ALL! xoxox
So, I sit in my bubble and chat and talk to friends on my cell. Oddly, there are people awake at that hour. Well, one of them I accidentally woke up. Sorry, "D!"
Finally, I go in and get it over with. The registrar got me into the system and sent me on my merry way. After an elevator ride, I had to go pee in a cup. While the urine was tested for pregnancy (which I am NOT! "A" said I would be texting suicide notes instead of victories!) I went back downstairs for the .....DA DA DUM..... Upper GI. The folks X-rayed my chest. Then they did bad things to me. They made me....uh, they made....um, *sniff*..... sorry....They made me drink BARIUM. It was a milk-like chalky, hint of citrus, coating liquid. Made my gag reflex work overtime. I asked the radiologist if anyone has puked it up. She averted her eyes and replied, "yes." I told her not to worry, I don't like it anymore than she does. Then I asked if it could be Chocolate flavored! She remarked the lady that was just there before me asked the same thing.
Okay, after the fluoroscopic imaging and x-rays, I go back to the pee pee room and have my blood drawn. Seven vials of blood. Typing, HIV, clotting, etc is allllll being tested. Feeling dizzy (just kidding!), I head over to the Obesity Center and make the final surgery arraignments.
I then go to lunch con mi madre and then get my last test done....the EKG. The doctor was concerned about the reading, but not in a cardio or heart sense. She said I was either calcium or electrolyte deficient and those could be remedied with supplements. Other than that, I have the clearance to get my surgery as scheduled.
Everybody, mark your calendars for my new birthday.....July 23, 2007 at 11 a.m.
Again, thanks to Lisa for all of her help and support. It is great to have a surgery survivor to hold my hand along the way.
________________________________________________
Editor's note: I just wanted to let people know, for the record, that I do not plan on ending my life, purposely, any time soon. I was having a real low moment. I do not know if it was atributed to being off The Pill, but I do NOT regularly think about suicide. The last "real" suicidal thought I had was back in 1992, when I was fired (the first time, haha) from the sheriff's department. I pulled myself back from the brink then, and now.
What is the point of journaling or blogging if I am not going to be totally honest?
Thank you all for your support and prayers in this difficult time.... I LOVE YOU ALL! xoxox
Monday, July 9, 2007
All of me
I don't know if it is because I had to stop taking birth control pills or I am being super extra emotional.....
....I wanted to commit suicide on Saturday. After my husband and I had a major fight. By the end of it all, I wanted to end it all. I am not trying to be drama. I am not trying to call attention to myself. I am just relaying the facts.
I felt like a failure. I failed my children, I failed my husband, I failed myself. I wanted to get a gun and blow my brains out. I figured that would have been the quickest and easiest way to do it. No going back. Then I thought of my children. How could I do that to them??? They would be the ones to find me. Either a distorted, bloated face or my brains and blood oozing out of the back of my head. Just the thought made me feel worse!
Behind all of this, all of me....my weight, my depression, my lethargy, my apathy is a direct link to my feeling of failure. I lost my job. Twice. I can barely keep a grip on my marriage, I suck at housekeeping and all the while I think I am not the best mom to my kids. It all spells FAILURE!
I am hoping that with this surgery, I can finally accompish something, by doing something for ME. When I see and feel the success in that, I can work on the other areas I am failing.
....I wanted to commit suicide on Saturday. After my husband and I had a major fight. By the end of it all, I wanted to end it all. I am not trying to be drama. I am not trying to call attention to myself. I am just relaying the facts.
I felt like a failure. I failed my children, I failed my husband, I failed myself. I wanted to get a gun and blow my brains out. I figured that would have been the quickest and easiest way to do it. No going back. Then I thought of my children. How could I do that to them??? They would be the ones to find me. Either a distorted, bloated face or my brains and blood oozing out of the back of my head. Just the thought made me feel worse!
Behind all of this, all of me....my weight, my depression, my lethargy, my apathy is a direct link to my feeling of failure. I lost my job. Twice. I can barely keep a grip on my marriage, I suck at housekeeping and all the while I think I am not the best mom to my kids. It all spells FAILURE!
I am hoping that with this surgery, I can finally accompish something, by doing something for ME. When I see and feel the success in that, I can work on the other areas I am failing.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Dammit
Husband gets pissed off at me today. How rare. I fell asleep in the car when we were driving somewhere. Oh, gee, sorry. Like he never does!? That is not the point. Anyway....
He is all pissy and I keep asking him, "What's wrong?" Of course, I have to ask him several times until it comes spewing out of him. And it is not just the reason he is angry, it is everything that is upsetting him from a week ago until now. Great tactics, eh? MF-er...
Well, I knocked his dick in the dirt and then he has to defend his manhood and I don't even want to hear it. Whatever, Clown. I'm done with you. I told him to do me a favor and LEAVE.
Eventually, after many tears (on my part) and me hosing him down, we reconciled. I was finally able to talk to him about my surgery. Apparently, he has been against it all along, but has not bothered to share his feelings because he knows I am going to do what I want to do anyway.
Now we know where we stand (for the moment). Let's see what tomorrow brings.
He is all pissy and I keep asking him, "What's wrong?" Of course, I have to ask him several times until it comes spewing out of him. And it is not just the reason he is angry, it is everything that is upsetting him from a week ago until now. Great tactics, eh? MF-er...
Well, I knocked his dick in the dirt and then he has to defend his manhood and I don't even want to hear it. Whatever, Clown. I'm done with you. I told him to do me a favor and LEAVE.
Eventually, after many tears (on my part) and me hosing him down, we reconciled. I was finally able to talk to him about my surgery. Apparently, he has been against it all along, but has not bothered to share his feelings because he knows I am going to do what I want to do anyway.
Now we know where we stand (for the moment). Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Monday, July 2, 2007
beached whale
After driving around aimlessly, we finally ended up at the beach. I got the kids dressed in their swimsuits and we trudged in the sand to get to the water. By the time we got to the waves, I was wiped out from walking in the sand. Out of breath, panting and sweaty.
I plopped my big fat butt on the sand and watched my kids frolicking in the sea. I looked around at the other beach go-ers and saw that I wasn't the only fat person there. The only fully dressed fat person, and the biggest female out of the lot. That sucked. Oh, well. It is what it is.
This time next year, I will not be the fattest fatty there!
I plopped my big fat butt on the sand and watched my kids frolicking in the sea. I looked around at the other beach go-ers and saw that I wasn't the only fat person there. The only fully dressed fat person, and the biggest female out of the lot. That sucked. Oh, well. It is what it is.
This time next year, I will not be the fattest fatty there!
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