Class of '87

My 20th high school reunion is coming up fast. It is planned for August 4 at the Pechanga.

When there were first talks about this reunion I was so very excited about attending. I was going to go no matter what! Now, as it draws nearer, I feel less and less confident about going.

I didn't feel like I belonged then and I still don't feel like I do. I was and still am very insecure about what people think of me; my personality, my appearance. And being morbidly obese doesn't help the appearance factor.

In January, I vowed to lose weight. In March, I tried doing CORE again, but my husband consistenly makes non-CORE meals. Since they are good, and what is the point of making my own special meal, I scarf down the food and then console myself with a pint of ice cream.

As much as I want this surgery, it is also a passive-aggressive tool to slap my DH upside the head and take notice that I am serious about losing weight. (Don't get me wrong! I am not having this surgery solely to get at my husband. I am not the stupid. I am getting this surgery so I can lose the weight I have been struggling with since childhood and force MYSELF to eat the right things (ie avoiding dumping and all the scary things that can happen if I don't do it right). ) And when I start losing, maybe he will get out of his comfort shell and lose weight himself.

And I don't want him to lose weight for appearance sake. I want him to lose weight so he will FEEL better. So he will be able to walk without his back seizing up. So he can drive the 100 mile round trip work commute without being in pain. So he can sleep better. So HE can feel better about himself.

I am praying my surgery will come soon. Not only to start my weight loss, but to use as an excuse as to why I am not going to my 20th.